The Good, the Bad and the Angry

The Good, the Bad and the Angry

(The Emotional Truth)

It always surprises me that one of the most common things that holds back those new to their spiritual path is the illusion that emotions are either 'Good' (such as happy and loving) or 'Bad' (such as anger or sadness).

We have emotions because we are human beings and it is a perfectly natural and wonderful thing. They are just different energetic expressions of where we are in that moment. Emotions provide us with important information because they tell us, at a deeper level than our mind, what is really going on for us in that moment. And they are more reliable than our mind which, because it carries conditioning and the pressures of others expectations, often wants to put up a mask and so is not always honest about how we really are, to our-self or others.

Society has come to attach a notional label of 'Good' or 'Bad' to emotions depending on whether they are socially acceptable, or whether they are likely to impact 'positively' or 'negatively' on our ability to function as part of a society. Society handles some emotions easily, such as laughter, happiness (so long as they are not extreme expressions like rolling around on the pavement with laughter!). But other emotions are avoided, such as tears and anger. These emotions are often seen as inconvenient and embarrassing and so, not surprisingly, we often suppress them (to 'get rid' of them) and pretend they don’t exist and maybe try to focus on a ‘good’ emotion to get us into a good space. Short term this seems like a good idea and can make us feel better, but in the longer term this gets us nowhere.

There are no good or bad emotions - all emotion is an expression of what we are feeling in that moment and is an outward flow of energy. Anger is often cited as a 'negative' emotion - it is actually a beautiful emotion that is extremely powerful and flows like a torrent! Many people will perceive it as a 'bad' emotion because in their experience it is often aimed at them, or aimed randomly, and accompanied by physical and/or emotional harm. So fear arises as soon as anger is encountered and it is tempting to avoid it at every opportunity. Hence we never get to experience the power and beauty of pure anger without that fear of harm.

These emotions are a valuable doorway to our deeper self and there are ways in which we can use them to go deeper. We can notice them and allow them to be there totally, and really feel the emotion. We can remain present to it, accepting that in this moment we have this emotion and feel it totally, so allowing it to pass. Sometimes we may need to express it, although for some emotions a safe space to express them in is not always available.

This may seem similar to suppressing it but it is in fact the opposite. When we suppress it we resist it and move away from it or find something else to do to ’take our mind off it’. When we allow it to be there we move closer to it, welcome it and immerse ourselves totally in the emotion (which may then become more intense), welcoming all of it to stay with us in that moment and for as long as it needs to. Then after a short time we will find that it dies by itself allowing us to move on in a more peaceful and clear space.

Whether you express them or just feel them, do it totally, else you will suppress the rest of it. By repeating this process we find that, in the longer term, we feel the benefits of allowing all emotions and we become more real and have more clarity.

Allowing emotions to be there takes courage as it is something we don’t normally do, and welcoming them in may seem counter-intuitive, but the benefits are there waiting for us. However, first we do need to let go of the idea that there are ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’ emotions, and realise they are all OK. They are not you at your deepest level, but they are the closest you will get to 'you' in that moment, so accept and cherish them in that moment, be real and allow them to be there.

And the point of all this? Because if you want to know who you are at your deepest level then these emotions are a doorway opening inwards - for you to go deeper and start to explore...

Are Your Emotions Real?

One thing I notice repeatedly in workshops and meditations I facilitate is the resistance some people have to admitting to themselves (and others) that they are not a perfect bundle of love and joy all of the time. For them it is quite a shock to be told that it is OK to be Sad, Angry or to Cry as well as to be Love and Happiness. Not surprisingly, often their first instinct is to reject it and then maybe accept that it is OK for others but not OK for themselves!

Somewhere along the line they have picked up these beliefs, maybe from their parents, and maybe it has been reinforced by society in general. Of course, society doesn’t often openly say ‘Don’t be Sad’, ‘Don’t Cry’ or ‘Don’t be Angry’ but it is hidden in many messages we get ranging from Government measuring ‘Happiness’ and how it is ‘good’ to be happy, to the social embarrassment of a friend crying or being angry in the street. In fact, almost everyone reinforces that it is ‘OK to be Happy’ but not ‘OK to be Sad’ by their unconscious words and actions, such as saying ‘Don’t cry’ or ‘Cheer up and give me a smile’ when that clearly isn’t the emotion that needs to be expressed right then.

I am certainly not saying that being sad or angry is better than being happy but, as human beings, all emotions naturally arise in us from time to time, not just the ones we have chosen to label ‘good’. Expressing Joy and Love is unbelievably fantastic and an abundance of these qualities lies deep beneath our everyday emotions. But to connect with them we need to go deeper. How? By first simply connecting with yourself and notice how you actually feel deep down in that moment, and allow yourself to be exactly that. Totally accept that however you feel is real for you and just allow it to be there in that moment. Recognise that, in that moment, this is ‘you’ (or more accurately a collection of you and all the emotional baggage you have picked up throughout your life). And totally express and release the everyday emotions that are there. Really be yourself!

Unfortunately, whilst freely expressing emotions is OK in your own space, it is not generally OK in a society which has become used to people presenting a whole range of (fake) masks, one for every situation, and it is far easier to conform to what others expect! Pity, because underneath all the layers of masks and everyday emotion there lies an abundance of real Joy, Love, Happiness, Peace etc. Real because it isn’t painted on like a mask. Real because there is no need to pretend ‘I’m good right now’ when I’m not. Real because we don’t even need to think ‘happy thoughts’ to connect with it. But first we need to express whatever is there in order to go deeper and discover the wonderful stuff that lies hidden within. But most of us don’t, simply because for our whole lives we have been trained to conform to the rules of this society which just isn’t comfortable with us being real. And we take the easy option and carry on conforming rather than breaking away from those rules and living as our real selves.

So what is the point of being real? Expressing your emotions can bring great clarity and peace within and allows you to go deeper, beyond those emotions, bringing more realisations about who you truly are. This is a path towards Your True Self - but it isn’t an instant fix so don’t expect an instant ‘cure’ - this is the start of a path of self-discovery and self-realisation of who you really are at your deepest level.

So, if you choose, you can stop all the ‘trying’ to be something you aren’t (just so you can appear to be happy to others) and give this a go:

1. Find a physical space where you feel comfortable;
2. Start ‘being’ yourself by connecting deeply inside (remove distractions, close you eyes, allow your thoughts to fall away, and just notice how you really feel, deep down, right now - don’t try to be anything different);
3. Be totally open and honest with yourself (don’t worry if you find this challenging);
4. Release and express whatever you find there (but remember do not harm yourself or anyone else, and if you feel physical anger, hitting a pillow is better than smashing up the room);
5. Notice how you feel deep inside afterwards - you may notice peace or clarity beneath any remnants of the emotion you expressed. The more you do this the more you will notice.
6. Then when you have the courage to go beyond the fear of letting others see who you really are, you can start being truly be real when others are around. Just be aware that other people may be offended if, for example, you express anger at them or when you are with them (this is their issue - yours is the one you are expressing - but they probably won’t be aware of this) so take it one step at a time. Maybe start by simply being honest with them and telling them how you feel.

If it feels like some more guidance and practice on being your real self could be useful see the Awakening Your Inner Child and Discovering Your Own Meditation Workshops at www.LondonCollegeofSpirituality.co.uk and the ‘Free My Life’ Spiritual Coaching Programme at www.spiritual-coaching.co.uk