Are Your Emotions Real?

One thing I notice repeatedly in workshops and meditations I facilitate is the resistance some people have to admitting to themselves (and others) that they are not a perfect bundle of love and joy all of the time. For them it is quite a shock to be told that it is OK to be Sad, Angry or to Cry as well as to be Love and Happiness. Not surprisingly, often their first instinct is to reject it and then maybe accept that it is OK for others but not OK for themselves!

Somewhere along the line they have picked up these beliefs, maybe from their parents, and maybe it has been reinforced by society in general. Of course, society doesn’t often openly say ‘Don’t be Sad’, ‘Don’t Cry’ or ‘Don’t be Angry’ but it is hidden in many messages we get ranging from Government measuring ‘Happiness’ and how it is ‘good’ to be happy, to the social embarrassment of a friend crying or being angry in the street. In fact, almost everyone reinforces that it is ‘OK to be Happy’ but not ‘OK to be Sad’ by their unconscious words and actions, such as saying ‘Don’t cry’ or ‘Cheer up and give me a smile’ when that clearly isn’t the emotion that needs to be expressed right then.

I am certainly not saying that being sad or angry is better than being happy but, as human beings, all emotions naturally arise in us from time to time, not just the ones we have chosen to label ‘good’. Expressing Joy and Love is unbelievably fantastic and an abundance of these qualities lies deep beneath our everyday emotions. But to connect with them we need to go deeper. How? By first simply connecting with yourself and notice how you actually feel deep down in that moment, and allow yourself to be exactly that. Totally accept that however you feel is real for you and just allow it to be there in that moment. Recognise that, in that moment, this is ‘you’ (or more accurately a collection of you and all the emotional baggage you have picked up throughout your life). And totally express and release the everyday emotions that are there. Really be yourself!

Unfortunately, whilst freely expressing emotions is OK in your own space, it is not generally OK in a society which has become used to people presenting a whole range of (fake) masks, one for every situation, and it is far easier to conform to what others expect! Pity, because underneath all the layers of masks and everyday emotion there lies an abundance of real Joy, Love, Happiness, Peace etc. Real because it isn’t painted on like a mask. Real because there is no need to pretend ‘I’m good right now’ when I’m not. Real because we don’t even need to think ‘happy thoughts’ to connect with it. But first we need to express whatever is there in order to go deeper and discover the wonderful stuff that lies hidden within. But most of us don’t, simply because for our whole lives we have been trained to conform to the rules of this society which just isn’t comfortable with us being real. And we take the easy option and carry on conforming rather than breaking away from those rules and living as our real selves.

So what is the point of being real? Expressing your emotions can bring great clarity and peace within and allows you to go deeper, beyond those emotions, bringing more realisations about who you truly are. This is a path towards Your True Self - but it isn’t an instant fix so don’t expect an instant ‘cure’ - this is the start of a path of self-discovery and self-realisation of who you really are at your deepest level.

So, if you choose, you can stop all the ‘trying’ to be something you aren’t (just so you can appear to be happy to others) and give this a go:

1. Find a physical space where you feel comfortable;
2. Start ‘being’ yourself by connecting deeply inside (remove distractions, close you eyes, allow your thoughts to fall away, and just notice how you really feel, deep down, right now - don’t try to be anything different);
3. Be totally open and honest with yourself (don’t worry if you find this challenging);
4. Release and express whatever you find there (but remember do not harm yourself or anyone else, and if you feel physical anger, hitting a pillow is better than smashing up the room);
5. Notice how you feel deep inside afterwards - you may notice peace or clarity beneath any remnants of the emotion you expressed. The more you do this the more you will notice.
6. Then when you have the courage to go beyond the fear of letting others see who you really are, you can start being truly be real when others are around. Just be aware that other people may be offended if, for example, you express anger at them or when you are with them (this is their issue - yours is the one you are expressing - but they probably won’t be aware of this) so take it one step at a time. Maybe start by simply being honest with them and telling them how you feel.

If it feels like some more guidance and practice on being your real self could be useful see the Awakening Your Inner Child and Discovering Your Own Meditation Workshops at www.LondonCollegeofSpirituality.co.uk and the ‘Free My Life’ Spiritual Coaching Programme at www.spiritual-coaching.co.uk

How Superficial are You? --OR-- The Easiest Mistake You can make on Your Spiritual Path

One of the biggest barriers we face as spiritual seekers is the ease with which we can fall into the pretence of the superficial world of Love, Peace and Joy.

Don’t get me wrong; the world that our spiritual teachers almost universally ‘sell’ us does exist. And the qualities such as Love, Peace and Joy are there in abundance. There is nothing superficial about that; unfortunately nearly all of us aren’t there yet.

What is superficial is when we TRY to feel love, joy or peace because then we fall flat on our faces. Take this simple example:

1. I feel angry with a particular person.


2. I then remember what my teacher said, and think ‘I shouldn’t feel anger, I should feel love for this person’.


3. So I ‘go inside’ and try and find love for this person, and maybe I do, but in focussing on love, I have suppressed the anger.

It would be nice to think that in connecting with love, the anger would just float away on a cloud! It doesn’t.

In a situation where you feel an emotion, anger for example, you have three choices:

1. Suppress it. The unresolved anger may seem to disappear, it hasn’t it has just been pushed into your subconscious. Your subconscious will put it with all your other suppressed anger and present it for resolution at a future time when triggered by some event. With practice this can be done with a minimum of conscious effort but the emotional effort is significant, as the subconscious will repeatedly present the ‘heap’ of suppressed anger for resolution until you deal with it.


2. Half-heartedly suppress the anger thinking I don’t want to feel angry, and allow it to hang around for hours or days before eventually ‘forgetting’ about it (suppressing it). This is the one that most people take most of the time because it requires the least conscious effort; subconsciously it involves more emotional turmoil than the above.


3. Sit with it. Watch it. It’s OK to be angry. Allow it to be there. Go deeper into it. Really feel it. Experience it. Become it totally. Express it if you are in a physical space where you can; if not, just feel it totally. In short: Be Real, this is the biggest challenge.When it is ready it will go; allow that release. You may find a calmness and clarity arise to ‘replace’ it. If anger returns at any stage then it has not been fully experienced or expressed, so repeat the above.

This applies to any emotion or feeling that arises. Whatever it is, by allowing it to be there totally you can experience it and allow it to go.

Trying to feel a particular way is destructive. Holding on to the ‘good’ emotions or stopping the ‘bad’ ones is an example of you trying to be something other than you are in that moment. Instead, just allow whatever is there to be there.

If you want to ‘hurry up’ the process it is possible, though not by yearning after love, joy or peace, but by using a technique like Self Enquiry that allows you to go more deeply into whatever is there for you in that moment. Qualities such as Love, Joy and Peace will arise by themselves once enough of your lifelong suppressed emotions have been released.

Do You feel challenged by this? If so, then great! It’s OK to feel challenged. Stay with the feeling of challenge and go deeper into the feeling (don’t get lost in the mind thinking about it). Being challenged in one way of moving forward on your path.

If you don’t feel challenged then maybe you were already fully aware of this, or you have had an ‘Ah-ha’ moment, or maybe you have just thrown it away because you just aren’t ready for it yet. And if that challenges you, then allow yourself to be open and go back and read it again…

Ankur Spiritual Coaching - Guidance for You on Your path...

What is Spirituality? A simple explanation... --OR-- Your First Steps on Your Path

From my work as a Spiritual Coach and teaching at the London College of Spirituality it is clear that the concept of Spirituality confuses many people even at the most fundamental level. So I have revisited my experience to find some simple words that may help define it for you and I offer some suggestions about how you can start to go deeper...


Many ‘spiritual seekers’ get so consumed by all the ‘stuff’ that surrounds spirituality, the beliefs, rituals and practices, they end up lost in a haze of thought and activity and maybe even end up on a ‘spiritual’ ego trip which appears promising but which is going nowhere. In short, they completely miss the point.

Spirituality is not about your thoughts, your actions or even your beliefs. You may have spiritual beliefs, but the essence of spirituality is beyond that.

Spirituality is simply what leads you back home to yourself. More specifically, spirituality is what leads you to the truth of who you are in any moment, the true self. And since anything that comes from outside you is not you, the focus must be inward. It’s just you becoming you. It’s that simple.

So why do so many people get so sidetracked by the stuff? Primarily because looking at stuff with our minds is far easier and less challenging than looking inside with awareness and checking out who we truly are and what is really there for us in any moment. Especially as what we find is often not attractive!

Instead, it’s easier to ignore what’s real, and dive into our mind created ego to slip on a mask from our elaborate and extensive collection, which gives the image we want to portray in any given situation. Because in our society, it is regarded as more important to portray the ‘right’ image than to reveal who we really are. Why else would we spend most of our time peeping deviously from behind an aura that we proudly show, not only to fool others but also to convince ourselves we are something better (or sometimes something worse!) than who we think we are?

The irony is that we are all a whole lot ‘better’ than we think we are, but that true part of us has been covered up by the very same mind created ego that now portrays a false image.

To go beyond this and unravel your truth you need to start looking inside and be open to whatever you find there, even if it something you do not like, such as sadness, anger or fear. Being honest with yourself is challenging, but there is no advantage in delaying starting right now.

So how do you start to connect with you at a deeper level?
Firstly you have everything you will ever need – the true You (which is always there but is under a pile of your ‘stuff’) and some Awareness (the more you can gather the better).
Secondly, connect with inside. Put all your attention on how you feel in that moment. If it is blocked by thoughts you can ‘drop’ them by simply not giving them any energy or attention and allowing them to go (don’t fight, hang on to or suppress thoughts). More thoughts may arise... keep doing the same and soon gaps will be revealed between thoughts.
Thirdly, just notice how you are feeling in that moment. Whatever is there is Real for you in that moment… it is unlikely to be the True Self just yet but at least you are looking in the right place.
Lastly, start to notice when you act differently to what is real for you in any moment, and ask yourself for what purpose you are choosing to act differently, and how ideally you would like to act. What’s really stopping you being you and having what you really want?

Being Real is not always easy in our society, but, as your awareness grows, your behaviour will change. This awareness is the driving force of your journey towards yourself. This is spirituality in action - you are treading the right path…

The Path of Transformation --OR-- A Brief Summary of the Spiritual Parts of My Journey

I was a spectator, not only of the spectacular crescendo of explosions that enlightened the Thames in the first minutes of the 21st century, but I was a spectator in my life too. Just watching it bounce along in no particular direction. Of course I did have direction, but it was from work and others. My life was being directed by others; I was just fitting in, to their show. What was I getting out of my life? Where was I going?

I was a bank manager. A hard-working, focussed, stressed and thoroughly pissed-off bank manager. I had a ‘good’ job and I played hard too, but I was (very) slow in realising that I didn’t have a Life. I was merely a distant and powerless observer of my existence, as it slid aimlessly down a slippery slope. I was devoid of feeling, unknown to joy, and had never been truly ‘in love’. And I was a complete stranger to the values of peace and fulfilment. Plus I was lost in the maze that is the corporate jungle…

And then it all changed.

Within months I had a choice to make. Move to another role with the bank or take a redundancy. I thought, I analysed (‘cos that’s what I did best), I thought again, and from somewhere I found uncertain courage to take the money and run. And run I did. Well actually I stumbled a bit at first. But once in my stride I ran and ran and ran. For six years, through over 50 countries and across six continents (Antarctica still eludes me).

Along the way I ended up in India and thought that I would take in an ashram for a week just because… well, to see what it was like and to try something different (I had never meditated before). And luckily I found a fellow traveller to drag me along to one, although not without a stack of reservations on my part about... everything.

So what was it like? Like getting up at 5.30am to do a one-hour very active meditation, then a shower, then a one-hour very silent meditation, and that was all before breakfast. And then meditate some more during the morning, more in the afternoon and some more in the evening. And they were the easy bits! I struggled with the numerous petty rules – you must wear a robe, and it must be this colour during the day… and this colour in the evening (more stuff to buy)… and only this colour trunks in the swimming pool… and use this payment card in the day but only this one in the evening and… AAAAAAARGGG! Plus it was very expensive by Indian standards and I was a backpacker on a budget. Now suddenly submerged and lost in a bewildering world, rules stalked me - openly, money flowed worryingly quickly from ATM to ashram, and the only thing I was ‘Being’, was totally confused. For five long days I fought and struggled bravely with these multi-headed monsters. And then tragedy! I was shocked to learn that my mind, which I had considered to be my ultra reliable and dependable sidekick ‘til then, was actually the sworn enemy of meditation and even that it wasn’t me at all! By now my world was gyrating uncertainly.

Sure, there was value in the meditations, and some of the multitude of multi-day courses looked good if I could only understand what they were all about, but they were sooooo expensive… and anyway, I was only there a week, so no time for that. But it was playing on my mind – if indeed it was my mind? Confusion reigned.

I was just about to book my tickets for ‘elsewhere’ when my resistance suddenly ceased! It was the calm after the storm. OK so maybe the clothes weren’t totally ridiculous and everyone else wore them, and besides I had bought them now. And comparing the ashram prices to those in UK made it a little easier to swallow. In these terms, maybe it wasn’t sooo bad. But that lead to a new dis-ease around there being nothing now to stop me carrying on and ‘doing stuff’ here. The meditating felt good, and I somehow felt a desperate need to do these courses. And I realised I needed some help, so ‘I’ could look at ‘me’ - was this a ridiculous concept? Could I really broaden my vision and shed the narrow view I had held all my life? And for the first time ever, could I challenge myself, challenge what I thought, connect with my feelings, have emotions, feel true love and discover who I really was? Now I was getting scared!

And that is when my journey really began.

I stayed a month, I had to move on because my visa was running out, but the seed had been sewn and I had taken a new name, Ankur (meaning 'new growth'). I had only scratched the surface, but at least I now knew where to dig. And just 12 months later I was back, this time for four months. Many hours of meditation, numerous courses, much pain and self-discovery later I emerged a very different person: with emotion, with a heart, with an awareness of true self and a new level of self-esteem. I experienced the qualities of joy, peace and total fulfilment that are my true self and can just feel how incredible it is to be in that space. I was not complete though, these were just the first few steps, but I had found a path….

And as well as going back to that ashram, further steps on my journey have included studying NLP, Life Coaching and Enlightenment Intensive work which I now combine with my experience for my new roles in life, as a Spiritual Life Change Coach and Meditation Teacher – my path it seems, is also to help others discover themselves.

So am I still a spectator of my life? Yes, I certainly am. But I am no longer looking from afar. I am looking from the inside, at the inside, aware of who I am and how I feel in every moment (well… most of them); and I realise that I am responsible for my own feelings and behaviour and I have real choices about my future. I am finally scripting my own show.

Now with new Openness and Awareness, I constantly seek the courage to Allow and Accept whatever is there. Just trying to be connected with myself and be real in every moment is an enormous challenge, which I relish simply because I can feel the benefits in every moment. I create my own reality – and my intention is always to do that from the blissful space of my True Self.

Check out how you can discover yourself and change your life at
http://www.spiritual-coaching.co.uk/
and
http://www.lifechangecoaching.co.uk/

Where 42 Kiev, Ukraine --OR-- There is no Bad Weather, Only Bad Clothes

'There is no bad weather, only bad clothes' I was told as I arrived in snowy sub-zero Kiev with what had suddenly become a backpack of substandard garments. I did find that this was offset by volume, and so wearing an unlikely high number of layers made the weather improve significantly. However it wasn't until, after some days, when there was a sudden rise in temperature (up to zero) that I started to feel 'warm'.

I asked a local girl what Ukraine was famous for. After a moments thought she replied 'Andriy Shevchenko (footballer)... and Chernobyl !' Both expensive mistakes - one seems to have faded into just a distant memory whilst the other is still red hot and can only be visted with a Geiger counter in hand.


The Grey

- The Cloud - In India 2 years ago I remember that I only saw one cloud (in a blue sky) in 2 weeks. It is the same here, one cloud in 2 weeks, except that this single cloud is the colour of an elephant and the size of Eastern Europe, plus it is stuck right here for 2 weeks!

- Whenever I have visited ex-Soviet countries (Ukraine was part of USSR 1922-1991) I have seen the Soviet style housing i.e. grey tower blocs (sic), and as usual here they are situated some distance from the centre, across the (frozen) river. However this is the first time I have 'lived' in one. There is a dense forest of concrete blocs, a whole city 'nicely' planned out around amenities and sprouting as far as I can see. The gardener has indeed been successful. The age of each can be deduced from merely counting its floors - the oldest have only 6 whilst the new ones (yes they are still building) go up to 20. Inside the common areas the decor has disintegrated not through vandalism but just because it was never really meant to last 20 years. The not so rich are crammed in with an extended family sleeping in one room (plus kitchen and bathroom). The 'richer' may have a spare room to rent out. Either way, space is jealously guarded and the number of rooms a well boasted measure of wealth.

- Away from the spectacular Soviet monstrosities of the centrally planned centre, uniform grey men have thrown up repetitive housing blocks in their own image, or maybe this modern barracks for the people is intended to be a reflection of the featureless monotony of our favorite depressing gun metal grey cloud which dominates the country and so camoflages the housing as it merges into the freezing landscape. These central planners have seared their brand deep into the psyche of the people who reluctantly but obediently buy into it.

- The sun is a stranger - she alone is able to temporarily life the gloom. Even the snow, tempoarily dazzling with its pureness, soon fades to grey as it strives towards uniformity with its resting place, soon disolving into a darker landscape devoid of life other than for grey pigeons, stark trees - a reminder of what once was and what may be again. This land, and many of the people seem in hibernation, waiting for the first signs of spring.



- Walking - Most civilisations have developed simple but effective systems to cope with the elements, but here, despite regular snowfalls, partial thaws and refreezing, not one thought seems to have been directed at reducing the paths to anything other than an ice rink. Actually there is one man that does this. One man in the whole of Ukraine (which is the largest country wholly within Europe) who has the job of clearing the paths - I know this because I saw him once near the border with Poland - but if he isnt visiting your city this year, your paths will remain icey.

- Churches - At first I thought that going into a church to get out of the cold was a good idea. But most must have ganged up against paying their electric and heating bills and surely have been cut-off as a result. Entering into most is being plunged into a dark domed freezer with a small window (with curtains) high up on a far wall. I warmed my frozen hands above the forest of candles lit by the orthodox worshippers.

- Black and brown bears still dance in the circus to a human tune. A sad throwback to me, but the locals see nothing wrong in parading these animals in chains.

- Zebra crossing marking on the road have faded to... nothing. Not that it was that important because even when the green man is displayed cars can still 'go' (legally) so long as they avoid hitting any stray pedestrains who may have decided to risk crossing the road. As a result the traffic doesnt go that fast but it randomly lurches across the crossing from gap to gap without warning. Personally I prefer to cross on the red man as at least the cars are predictable...

- The Metro - Fast, efficient, cheap and packed. The escalators are by far the longest I have ever seen. Unfortunately the blue 'm' signs on the surface are tiny so it is almost impossible to spot where the station entrances are. 'Fortunately(?)' there seems to be a Macdonald's next to each one and the large golden arches are far easier to spot...

- The tiresome ritual of dressing in multiple layers before stepping out the door, and the reverse when I came back... Inside it was warm though!


The Bright

- The Beach - amongst the tower blocks there are a scattering of lakes and sandy beaches have appeared - there is a whole beach culture, sunbeds, sun, volleyball... at least there is in summer... in winter they are not surpringly desolate.

- The Food - Traditional, tasty and healthy. Ok so there are numerous MacDonald's, but excluding them the food is good and real. No nasty cook chill preprepared meals here. And the soups are something else.

- Caviare - Cheap and after the initial shock of having fish eggs on bread for breakfast (and many other meals), it was tasty!

- The metro costs 1/50 of that in London, the bus 1/10, beer 1/5, coffee 1/2 whilst bananas are more expensive. But the average earnings are far lower than London, although there are enough rich people for a significant number of western sports cars and designer handbag shops.

- Beer is cheaper than milk! And they also make English beer - Porter to be exact (one bottle has the Houses of Parliament on it)- and they do it so well that I exported some.

- The Opera - 'slightly' more accessible/cheaper than in UK - I saw La Traviatta in Italian with Ukrainian 'sub-titles' - so I had no idea what was going on.

- Tea - A strange several hour tea ceremony (involving music and dancing) with green tea balls which incredibly grew into flowers when put in boiling water - and the tea tasted good too! Ok so tea balls come from China but I have never seen them anywhere else... nor do I know how they work.

- Eating original Chicken Kiev in Kiev. Tasty.

Oh and my trip was so well timed that I missed Xmas in UK AND Ukraine. I spent 25/12 in Kiev and returned before the Ukraine Xmas on 7/1. Though we did get a real Xmas/New Year tree and covered it with lights

So it was an eye opener - I would love to go back in a warmer time of the year when there are less grey clouds!

Love
Ankur