I was a spectator, not only of the spectacular crescendo of explosions that enlightened the Thames in the first minutes of the 21st century, but I was a spectator in my life too. Just watching it bounce along in no particular direction. Of course I did have direction, but it was from work and others. My life was being directed by others; I was just fitting in, to their show. What was I getting out of my life? Where was I going?
I was a bank manager. A hard-working, focussed, stressed and thoroughly pissed-off bank manager. I had a ‘good’ job and I played hard too, but I was (very) slow in realising that I didn’t have a Life. I was merely a distant and powerless observer of my existence, as it slid aimlessly down a slippery slope. I was devoid of feeling, unknown to joy, and had never been truly ‘in love’. And I was a complete stranger to the values of peace and fulfilment. Plus I was lost in the maze that is the corporate jungle…
And then it all changed.
Within months I had a choice to make. Move to another role with the bank or take a redundancy. I thought, I analysed (‘cos that’s what I did best), I thought again, and from somewhere I found uncertain courage to take the money and run. And run I did. Well actually I stumbled a bit at first. But once in my stride I ran and ran and ran. For six years, through over 50 countries and across six continents (Antarctica still eludes me).
Along the way I ended up in India and thought that I would take in an ashram for a week just because… well, to see what it was like and to try something different (I had never meditated before). And luckily I found a fellow traveller to drag me along to one, although not without a stack of reservations on my part about... everything.
So what was it like? Like getting up at 5.30am to do a one-hour very active meditation, then a shower, then a one-hour very silent meditation, and that was all before breakfast. And then meditate some more during the morning, more in the afternoon and some more in the evening. And they were the easy bits! I struggled with the numerous petty rules – you must wear a robe, and it must be this colour during the day… and this colour in the evening (more stuff to buy)… and only this colour trunks in the swimming pool… and use this payment card in the day but only this one in the evening and… AAAAAAARGGG! Plus it was very expensive by Indian standards and I was a backpacker on a budget. Now suddenly submerged and lost in a bewildering world, rules stalked me - openly, money flowed worryingly quickly from ATM to ashram, and the only thing I was ‘Being’, was totally confused. For five long days I fought and struggled bravely with these multi-headed monsters. And then tragedy! I was shocked to learn that my mind, which I had considered to be my ultra reliable and dependable sidekick ‘til then, was actually the sworn enemy of meditation and even that it wasn’t me at all! By now my world was gyrating uncertainly.
Sure, there was value in the meditations, and some of the multitude of multi-day courses looked good if I could only understand what they were all about, but they were sooooo expensive… and anyway, I was only there a week, so no time for that. But it was playing on my mind – if indeed it was my mind? Confusion reigned.
I was just about to book my tickets for ‘elsewhere’ when my resistance suddenly ceased! It was the calm after the storm. OK so maybe the clothes weren’t totally ridiculous and everyone else wore them, and besides I had bought them now. And comparing the ashram prices to those in UK made it a little easier to swallow. In these terms, maybe it wasn’t sooo bad. But that lead to a new dis-ease around there being nothing now to stop me carrying on and ‘doing stuff’ here. The meditating felt good, and I somehow felt a desperate need to do these courses. And I realised I needed some help, so ‘I’ could look at ‘me’ - was this a ridiculous concept? Could I really broaden my vision and shed the narrow view I had held all my life? And for the first time ever, could I challenge myself, challenge what I thought, connect with my feelings, have emotions, feel true love and discover who I really was? Now I was getting scared!
And that is when my journey really began.
I stayed a month, I had to move on because my visa was running out, but the seed had been sewn and I had taken a new name, Ankur (meaning 'new growth'). I had only scratched the surface, but at least I now knew where to dig. And just 12 months later I was back, this time for four months. Many hours of meditation, numerous courses, much pain and self-discovery later I emerged a very different person: with emotion, with a heart, with an awareness of true self and a new level of self-esteem. I experienced the qualities of joy, peace and total fulfilment that are my true self and can just feel how incredible it is to be in that space. I was not complete though, these were just the first few steps, but I had found a path….
And as well as going back to that ashram, further steps on my journey have included studying NLP, Life Coaching and Enlightenment Intensive work which I now combine with my experience for my new roles in life, as a Spiritual Life Change Coach and Meditation Teacher – my path it seems, is also to help others discover themselves.
So am I still a spectator of my life? Yes, I certainly am. But I am no longer looking from afar. I am looking from the inside, at the inside, aware of who I am and how I feel in every moment (well… most of them); and I realise that I am responsible for my own feelings and behaviour and I have real choices about my future. I am finally scripting my own show.
Now with new Openness and Awareness, I constantly seek the courage to Allow and Accept whatever is there. Just trying to be connected with myself and be real in every moment is an enormous challenge, which I relish simply because I can feel the benefits in every moment. I create my own reality – and my intention is always to do that from the blissful space of my True Self.
Check out how you can discover yourself and change your life at
http://www.spiritual-coaching.co.uk/
and
http://www.lifechangecoaching.co.uk/
Monday 21 January 2008
Tuesday 1 January 2008
Where 42 Kiev, Ukraine --OR-- There is no Bad Weather, Only Bad Clothes
'There is no bad weather, only bad clothes' I was told as I arrived in snowy sub-zero Kiev with what had suddenly become a backpack of substandard garments. I did find that this was offset by volume, and so wearing an unlikely high number of layers made the weather improve significantly. However it wasn't until, after some days, when there was a sudden rise in temperature (up to zero) that I started to feel 'warm'.
I asked a local girl what Ukraine was famous for. After a moments thought she replied 'Andriy Shevchenko (footballer)... and Chernobyl !' Both expensive mistakes - one seems to have faded into just a distant memory whilst the other is still red hot and can only be visted with a Geiger counter in hand.
The Grey
- The Cloud - In India 2 years ago I remember that I only saw one cloud (in a blue sky) in 2 weeks. It is the same here, one cloud in 2 weeks, except that this single cloud is the colour of an elephant and the size of Eastern Europe, plus it is stuck right here for 2 weeks!
- The sun is a stranger - she alone is able to temporarily life the gloom. Even the snow, tempoarily dazzling with its pureness, soon fades to grey as it strives towards uniformity with its resting place, soon disolving into a darker landscape devoid of life other than for grey pigeons, stark trees - a reminder of what once was and what may be again. This land, and many of the people seem in hibernation, waiting for the first signs of spring.
- Walking - Most civilisations have developed simple but effective systems to cope with the elements, but here, despite regular snowfalls, partial thaws and refreezing, not one thought seems to have been directed at reducing the paths to anything other than an ice rink. Actually there is one man that does this. One man in the whole of Ukraine (which is the largest country wholly within Europe) who has the job of clearing the paths - I know this because I saw him once near the border with Poland - but if he isnt visiting your city this year, your paths will remain icey.
- Churches - At first I thought that going into a church to get out of the cold was a good idea. But most must have ganged up against paying their electric and heating bills and surely have been cut-off as a result. Entering into most is being plunged into a dark domed freezer with a small window (with curtains) high up on a far wall. I warmed my frozen hands above the forest of candles lit by the orthodox worshippers.
- Black and brown bears still dance in the circus to a human tune. A sad throwback to me, but the locals see nothing wrong in parading these animals in chains.
- Zebra crossing marking on the road have faded to... nothing. Not that it was that important because even when the green man is displayed cars can still 'go' (legally) so long as they avoid hitting any stray pedestrains who may have decided to risk crossing the road. As a result the traffic doesnt go that fast but it randomly lurches across the crossing from gap to gap without warning. Personally I prefer to cross on the red man as at least the cars are predictable...
- The Metro - Fast, efficient, cheap and packed. The escalators are by far the longest I have ever seen. Unfortunately the blue 'm' signs on the surface are tiny so it is almost impossible to spot where the station entrances are. 'Fortunately(?)' there seems to be a Macdonald's next to each one and the large golden arches are far easier to spot...
- The tiresome ritual of dressing in multiple layers before stepping out the door, and the reverse when I came back... Inside it was warm though!
The Bright
- The Beach - amongst the tower blocks there are a scattering of lakes and sandy beaches have appeared - there is a whole beach culture, sunbeds, sun, volleyball... at least there is in summer... in winter they are not surpringly desolate.
- The Food - Traditional, tasty and healthy. Ok so there are numerous MacDonald's, but excluding them the food is good and real. No nasty cook chill preprepared meals here. And the soups are something else.
- Caviare - Cheap and after the initial shock of having fish eggs on bread for breakfast (and many other meals), it was tasty!
- The metro costs 1/50 of that in London, the bus 1/10, beer 1/5, coffee 1/2 whilst bananas are more expensive. But the average earnings are far lower than London, although there are enough rich people for a significant number of western sports cars and designer handbag shops.
- Beer is cheaper than milk! And they also make English beer - Porter to be exact (one bottle has the Houses of Parliament on it)- and they do it so well that I exported some.
- The Opera - 'slightly' more accessible/cheaper than in UK - I saw La Traviatta in Italian with Ukrainian 'sub-titles' - so I had no idea what was going on.
- Tea - A strange several hour tea ceremony (involving music and dancing) with green tea balls which incredibly grew into flowers when put in boiling water - and the tea tasted good too! Ok so tea balls come from China but I have never seen them anywhere else... nor do I know how they work.
- Eating original Chicken Kiev in Kiev. Tasty.
Oh and my trip was so well timed that I missed Xmas in UK AND Ukraine. I spent 25/12 in Kiev and returned before the Ukraine Xmas on 7/1. Though we did get a real Xmas/New Year tree and covered it with lights
So it was an eye opener - I would love to go back in a warmer time of the year when there are less grey clouds!
Love
Ankur
I asked a local girl what Ukraine was famous for. After a moments thought she replied 'Andriy Shevchenko (footballer)... and Chernobyl !' Both expensive mistakes - one seems to have faded into just a distant memory whilst the other is still red hot and can only be visted with a Geiger counter in hand.
The Grey
- The Cloud - In India 2 years ago I remember that I only saw one cloud (in a blue sky) in 2 weeks. It is the same here, one cloud in 2 weeks, except that this single cloud is the colour of an elephant and the size of Eastern Europe, plus it is stuck right here for 2 weeks!
- Whenever I have visited ex-Soviet countries (Ukraine was part of USSR 1922-1991) I have seen the Soviet style housing i.e. grey tower blocs (sic), and as usual here they are situated some distance from the centre, across the (frozen) river. However this is the first time I have 'lived' in one. There is a dense forest of concrete blocs, a whole city 'nicely' planned out around amenities and sprouting as far as I can see. The gardener has indeed been successful. The age of each can be deduced from merely counting its floors - the oldest have only 6 whilst the new ones (yes they are still building) go up to 20. Inside the common areas the decor has disintegrated not through vandalism but just because it was never really meant to last 20 years. The not so rich are crammed in with an extended family sleeping in one room (plus kitchen and bathroom). The 'richer' may have a spare room to rent out. Either way, space is jealously guarded and the number of rooms a well boasted measure of wealth.
- Away from the spectacular Soviet monstrosities of the centrally planned centre, uniform grey men have thrown up repetitive housing blocks in their own image, or maybe this modern barracks for the people is intended to be a reflection of the featureless monotony of our favorite depressing gun metal grey cloud which dominates the country and so camoflages the housing as it merges into the freezing landscape. These central planners have seared their brand deep into the psyche of the people who reluctantly but obediently buy into it.
- The sun is a stranger - she alone is able to temporarily life the gloom. Even the snow, tempoarily dazzling with its pureness, soon fades to grey as it strives towards uniformity with its resting place, soon disolving into a darker landscape devoid of life other than for grey pigeons, stark trees - a reminder of what once was and what may be again. This land, and many of the people seem in hibernation, waiting for the first signs of spring.
- Walking - Most civilisations have developed simple but effective systems to cope with the elements, but here, despite regular snowfalls, partial thaws and refreezing, not one thought seems to have been directed at reducing the paths to anything other than an ice rink. Actually there is one man that does this. One man in the whole of Ukraine (which is the largest country wholly within Europe) who has the job of clearing the paths - I know this because I saw him once near the border with Poland - but if he isnt visiting your city this year, your paths will remain icey.
- Churches - At first I thought that going into a church to get out of the cold was a good idea. But most must have ganged up against paying their electric and heating bills and surely have been cut-off as a result. Entering into most is being plunged into a dark domed freezer with a small window (with curtains) high up on a far wall. I warmed my frozen hands above the forest of candles lit by the orthodox worshippers.
- Black and brown bears still dance in the circus to a human tune. A sad throwback to me, but the locals see nothing wrong in parading these animals in chains.
- Zebra crossing marking on the road have faded to... nothing. Not that it was that important because even when the green man is displayed cars can still 'go' (legally) so long as they avoid hitting any stray pedestrains who may have decided to risk crossing the road. As a result the traffic doesnt go that fast but it randomly lurches across the crossing from gap to gap without warning. Personally I prefer to cross on the red man as at least the cars are predictable...
- The Metro - Fast, efficient, cheap and packed. The escalators are by far the longest I have ever seen. Unfortunately the blue 'm' signs on the surface are tiny so it is almost impossible to spot where the station entrances are. 'Fortunately(?)' there seems to be a Macdonald's next to each one and the large golden arches are far easier to spot...
- The tiresome ritual of dressing in multiple layers before stepping out the door, and the reverse when I came back... Inside it was warm though!
The Bright
- The Beach - amongst the tower blocks there are a scattering of lakes and sandy beaches have appeared - there is a whole beach culture, sunbeds, sun, volleyball... at least there is in summer... in winter they are not surpringly desolate.
- The Food - Traditional, tasty and healthy. Ok so there are numerous MacDonald's, but excluding them the food is good and real. No nasty cook chill preprepared meals here. And the soups are something else.
- Caviare - Cheap and after the initial shock of having fish eggs on bread for breakfast (and many other meals), it was tasty!
- The metro costs 1/50 of that in London, the bus 1/10, beer 1/5, coffee 1/2 whilst bananas are more expensive. But the average earnings are far lower than London, although there are enough rich people for a significant number of western sports cars and designer handbag shops.
- Beer is cheaper than milk! And they also make English beer - Porter to be exact (one bottle has the Houses of Parliament on it)- and they do it so well that I exported some.
- The Opera - 'slightly' more accessible/cheaper than in UK - I saw La Traviatta in Italian with Ukrainian 'sub-titles' - so I had no idea what was going on.
- Tea - A strange several hour tea ceremony (involving music and dancing) with green tea balls which incredibly grew into flowers when put in boiling water - and the tea tasted good too! Ok so tea balls come from China but I have never seen them anywhere else... nor do I know how they work.
- Eating original Chicken Kiev in Kiev. Tasty.
Oh and my trip was so well timed that I missed Xmas in UK AND Ukraine. I spent 25/12 in Kiev and returned before the Ukraine Xmas on 7/1. Though we did get a real Xmas/New Year tree and covered it with lights
So it was an eye opener - I would love to go back in a warmer time of the year when there are less grey clouds!
Love
Ankur
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